Thar be spoilers here.

Some associates of mine and I decided to go out and see “Paranormal Activity 2″ in the theatre over the weekend. Now, before I get into any of the details as to why I disliked this film so much, let me first say that I really enjoyed the first “Paranormal Activity”. I found it to be a creepy, slow-burn, stick with you months after the theatrical presentation kind of film. I wasn’t scared when initially watching it, or even truly impressed, until several weeks later when I discovered I was still thinking about it, once again afraid of the dark. If a movie has that kind of staying power, in my opinion, it’s a success.

So why, then, would I dislike a film that is, essentially, the same premise, with references to characters in the first one? Well, that’s where the problems begin – re-introduction of characters and the over-simplification due to over-explanation of story elements from the first film. Honestly, I didn’t need any sort of explanation as to why Micah and Katie were being haunted. They did a fine job of giving us a subtle explanation. I was satisfied. The one thing I didn’t like about the first one was the very tail end of that last shot – where Katie attacks the camera with her demon-teeth. The first film had that special ability to creep out without resorting to jump scares. It didn’t need to resort to any sort of outlandish splatter effects.

By connecting the two movies via characters mentioned in the first film we are also introduced to plot holes. Massive plot holes. First off, if the sisters’ mother was traumatized by some sort of paranormal entity (as mentioned in the sequel), why then would Micah in the original make “we shouldn’t invite your mother over” type jokes? I suppose this could be written off as a douchey sort of comment that Micah is likely to make, but still, it reeks of retcon. Second, if they really did know that Katie killed Micah and walked off to kill her sister’s family, why not say that in the first film? Was the police department with-holding the second set of tapes because they wanted to see how the first film would do at the box-office before giving us the whole story? When the first film passed the 60 million mark, did the cops say, “Okay, cool. Let’s release this other evidence as a sequel.” In which case, how much footage do they have? Fuck you, police department. Fuck you.

These gripes, however, are fairly petty. Most sequels, when not initially thought out from the get-go, have plot holes. No, my main complaints with the film are directly related to the Hollywood-ized rehash nature of the sequel. Pop quiz: how can you instantly illicit emotional reactions from an audience without having to work for it? Answer: introduce babies and dogs. Luckily, PA2 has both.

The second that dog came on screen, I thought, “That dog is fucked.” And it was. I don’t know how your audience reacted, but mine was all groans and crying and “poor puppy”. You know why I feel sorry for that dog? Because it was used as a tool by the filmmakers, not the demon entity character. See, in the first film, I felt like the demon was a character. Although we never saw it and got no backstory on the monster, it felt real. That’s where the terror comes from, the reality of the situation. In the sequel, every horrific setup, every demon attack felt simply like the damned film crew/writer attacking this undeserving family.

Which leads us to point two: the family was completely undeserving. Okay, I get it, demon bad, attack good family, oh no I’m sad. But the first film had something really good going for it. Not only was it scary as hell, it had a douchebag to pummel. Micah was a douche. He was a funny douche, but a douche nonetheless. When you have an unsympathetic yet funny character, you can scare an audience AND beat the ever-loving shit out of your lead and retain your credibility. It’s a win-win. When you have a normal family doing normal shit, you have to introduce the heartstring elements of baby and dog, or else you’re screwed. So, because they needed to introduce baby and dog to make us give a shit, they also needed to tie in WHY there was a baby in the first place. Well, what do demons want? First-borns, why not? Then you retcon your entire story based on the premise of how to keep your audience connected without being creative and you’re good to go.

Ultimately, I hated this film because it was artistically bankrupt in comparison to the imaginative creativity of the first film. Everything the first did right, the second did wrong.

And when did the demon become a ninja? Breaking the neck of the father at the end? That got laughs. It was stupid. Fuck you, Paranormal Activity 2.

That pool cleaner, however, he’s got a LONG career ahead of him. He was the shit.